Houston, We Have a ... Situation?

I have been in a state of meltdown. Yesterday was really, really bad. By the time DH got home, he looked at me and said, “Babe, you look horrible.”

I felt it, too. Here’s why.

At 4:35pm on Monday, I was slipping my feet into my blue flip-flops and getting ready to go anywhere that carried ESPN so I could watch my Cowboys. The phone rang; I glanced at the clock and, seeing that it was the half-hour, thought it was my father-in-law. He war dials, remember, and it’s usually at the quarter- or half-hour. So I turn towards the stairs to grab something before I leave, and the voice mail kicks on.

She says her name; I stop in my tracks.

She’s rambling on and I’m frozen. Finally, the trance breaks and I pick up the phone and say “S? You there? I’m sorry, I was upstairs.” Liar. This is my stock answer when I don’t pick up the phone.

“We have a young lady who chose your profile. Do you have a pen and paper?”

Our life may change drastically in less than two weeks.

I never did go and watch the game.

~~

We meet the potential birthmother tomorrow. I’m not going to post details of her situation, to protect her as well as ourselves, but let’s just say that by all the indications, we might be parents in ten days or less.

I’ve been reluctant to post about it, true to my native cautious nature. It’s also partly because I was going through a mental meltdown, and couldn’t put two thoughts together if my life depended on it. Why? Because this possible match is a complete bolt from the blue – no warning, no preparation, and not a lot of information. We won’t get a lot of time to prepare. We’re not going to get all the information about her and the birthfather we’d prefer to have. We’ll have to scramble to get DH’s crap out of that room, gather some things, and have some semblance of a baby-ready house.

There are some substance exposure issues (although nothing hardcore) – one that I don’t think matters too much, the other I think I might be overreacting to. The PBM is the defensive, cagey sort, and isn’t elaborating on the information she provided to the facilitator. However, the facilitator has been working with PBM since August, so after thinking about it for about 36 hours, I think I’m okay with what she’s telling me. Yeah, my brain exploded, and it’s taken that long for the pieces to fall back together.

Yesterday I felt awful, especially mentally, and it spilled over to the physical. I didn’t sleep the night before last because my head was just spinning, disgorging all sorts of things that might need to be done and all the possible scenarios that might come to pass. There's just so much to do and I feel hobbled and helpless until we get the green light. I felt like puking at various points yesterday morning. I was also very glad that Boss was out of the office yesterday, because I was a complete mess. I had no attention span. I was trying to think my way through it all and try to do some semblance of work... ha ha. Riiiiiight.

At lunch I went to the outdoor mall near the office. DH called me on my way there and asked if I was all right; no, I wasn’t, not at all. My stomach had revolted (sorry for the graphics), turning to water – which, to me, is preferable to puking. We talked through certain points. We ended the conversation, and I walked into Paradise Bakery. I had a bagel, which made me feel a little better, considering I hadn’t eaten anything since the phone call the evening before, but I only had two sips of my Dr Pepper before I threw it away. Yeah, I was fluffed like a freaked out cat.

From there, I wandered Macy’s, just for something to do. I caught myself breathing funny, so I stopped in the middle of the store and told myself to chill the hell out. I was looking through the clothes department for me just to browse, to do something, but also gave myself permission to look through the baby department (Macy’s is the worst place for that stuff anyway).

But I’m paralyzed. I can’t buy clothes, a baby seat, a crib, anything. I can’t do anything until after Thursday, after tomorrow morning, when PBM says a definite yea or nay.

~~

Of course, if this is real, if it really goes through, I’m not going to truly relax until the three day waiting period has passed.

~~

With no attention span, I left work early yesterday. I was so spazzed out that I was almost manic. I seized upon the one thing I can do: I went to IKEA and bought a filing cabinet for the home office so we can consolidate things and get things moved in. I loaded this bitch of a box by myself, took it home, got it upstairs, and started assembling it. It soothed my nerves – it bothers me that I’m so helpless until after tomorrow, yes or no, that I needed something to do. Problem was, I was so exhausted by the time I got the first part done that I was getting frustrated.

~~

I’ll have to cancel/postpone the trip to Indianapolis. I’m bummed, but this is most obviously more important. Duh. Hopefully Continental will let me reschedule, since it’s a non-refundable ticket and these are truly extenuating circumstances.

~~

This morning I feel better. I actually slept. I told myself at the top of the stairs after I got ready for work that everything is completely out of my control at this moment, and to calm the hell down. I’m still having gastrointestinal issues from the stress, but that’s to be expected.

~~

And no, we haven’t told anyone in the family yet; we agreed on that last night. I talked to my Oregonian adoptive father friend, one of my pals in Indiana, and to a friend from high school who I need as a prayer warrior outside of my personal goldfish bowl. DH has spoken to his boss (who needs to know anyway) and a friend. We agree that there’s no point in getting the families whipped up if this thing doesn’t go through.

Wow. Just.... wow.

Report on Friday's Meeting

Congratulations to Erica who is bringing home a sweet little boy named Robert! *backflip* =D

~~

Well, the woman who had the wrong embryo implanted gave birth (c-section, actually) today to a healthy boy, and immediately handed the baby over to the genetic parents. What an example of selflessness… what an story of incredible heartbreak. Julie commented on it last week (and again as I was writing this entry), and I myself am not so sure that I would have gone through with it. Who knows what is in another’s heart?

Next stop, Lawsuit Land. :(

~~

Friday was an interesting day. On my way to work via S___b___s, I swung by the printer’s next door. I made changes to the last page and needed to reprint. It was an independent place, not a big box place, and the owner himself waited on me. He found it on the thumb drive, and I requested 10 copies. I went next door and read the paper while they did the order (there was a lady in front of me) and then I returned. The owner asked, “Are you the one adopting?”

“Yes, my husband and I are.”

“It’s a wonderful thing to see people making a difference in the world,” he replied as he put the receipt in the bag. “I wish you both a lot of luck.”

That really made my day.

~~

At lunch I left a few cards on the bulletin board at Einstein’s (a bagel place).

I felt rather brave doing that.

~~

After work, I drove over to Boss’s pal’s law office (I’ll call him ‘Buddy’ for the sake of brevity). I pull the door open, and when I look up I see someone pass in the corridor. I think, I know that person. And as I’m thinking it, the head whips back around the corner – it’s a classmate of mine from paralegal school. All huggy huggy, kissy kissy… LOL. We survived the worst ever writing class – it was so dumbed down, so ridiculous (it was literally being taught at the sixth grade level!!), that M and I tended to walk out of class at the break. The prof – a municipal judge – tried to bully us into staying, but we usually rolled our eyes and walked out.

I was waiting for DH to get there, so M and I were all chatty in the lobby, catching up, talking smack, debating the merits of getting one’s bar certification (our state bar has a cert for paralegals, entirely optional). We were in the middle of that topic when DH walked in. I introduced them, and we continued talking. Then after a few more minutes, M showed us to our conference room.

The lawyer showed up about ten minutes later, about 15 minutes late. Didn’t matter – DH and I were catching up a little on our day. When he walked in, I liked Buddy immediately. We talked wickedly about Boss, who he’s known for over 25 years. Buddy’s wife has to deal with Boss in conjunction with some political groups they’re both active with, and so we BS’ed over that, too. We spent a lot of time shooting bull.

Buddy was easy, informative, and recommended that we NOT advertise in the N. ew Ti .mes (a local free publication). The Sunday-calling attorney only told us to be cautious when doing so, but Buddy was adamant – don’t do it. It has turned into a paper that the crazies are attracted to it, and call and hound people. I wasn’t planning to anyway, mostly because it’s turned into such a garbagey rag; but it was an interesting turn of conversation.

We talked about openness and the growing trend of completely open adoption. We talked about insurance and the various things within the statutes that apply and don’t apply. We talked about ICPC for out of state adoptions – he was pleased to be able to say that in ICPC situations, he can get his turned around in about twenty-four hours because a) he’s done it forever and b) he knows the folks at the ICPC office. Of course that’s here in AZ; he has no control over anything out of state. Buddy agreed with my impression that it generally takes about a week. “You have to have all the documents and put them in the correct order,” is how he put it. However, he told us of a worst case scenario of a placement in Illinois that took six weeks. SIX WEEKS. Can you imagine? DH about fainted. Buddy reassured him that it certainly was not the norm.

It went really well and I went away with a good feeling – I think it was certainly a reflection on how my day started. DH agreed about the good vibe.

My only disappointment is that DH, once again, was almost totally uninvolved, partially because he still hasn’t done his homework, but also because there’s yet another investment group interested in buying the company he works for, and the whole mess that it entails. But the laziness has to change; I can’t have him flipping out on me when push comes to shove. He has also not gotten out of that room so we can at least start doing it. So frustrating.

~~

I spent most of today outside, and thought about how nice of a backyard we have for any future children.... granted, it needs to be leveled badly, before I finally break an ankle mowing the lawn. But still - it was rather gratifying.

Lethargy

Not a happy camper. Stuck at work with no prospect of coming home any time soon. Might as well blog if Boss is going to waste my time; quid pro quo.

Last week’s meeting got pushed to tomorrow, so nothing doing there. I’ll pass along what happens on Monday, or during the weekend if I feel like it.

Still mulling over paying nearly $300 to have that particular lawyer show our profile. On one hand, it’s a ridiculous sum for what it is with no guaranteed results – it’s like giving the money to the government. On the other hand, the more the profile gets out, the better.

I’m kind of lethargic about the whole adoption thing at the moment. I’m not angry, and not even close to wanting to quit, but I’m just “meh.”My shoulders are getting a workout from shrugging. It took a lot of mental energy just to start writing this entry. I know it will pass, and I know that several others in our circle have experienced the lethargy at differing levels, but right now, I’m just completely indifferent, which means there’s no fire under my ass. I have things to send out, but I just push it off. Meh.

I’m thinking that I’ll feel better once I go out of town for a week. I’m visiting one of my best friends from high school, and I am looking forward to that. I’m battling DH’s weird resentment about it, although we’d discussed it several times and long before I booked it. I don’t know why he’s being that way. Very strange.

Much like Kellie at Life and Adoption, but probably for longer, I’ve thought about migrating to Wordpress. One, I could merge this blog with my sister blog and only write on one blog in one interface. There are certain features that I like on WP that Blogger doesn’t have... but I’m hesitant because the reverse is true, also. If I recall correctly, I can PW protect individual entries, whereas here I’d have to PWP the whole shebang, which is what I don’t want to do. But I like the “followers” feature here, and like the way one can follow blogs on the dashboard. I’m torn. I’m also a complete cheap-ass and don’t want to pay for it... heh.

I’ll pop in later. Have a great weekend, everyone

Hooray, It's Friday!

And the boss is away! *evil cackle*

Summer's back is broken - mornings no longer hang in the hundreds, but are now about a lovely 80 and the afternoon lands at about 100 - piece of cake - that's hikin' weather. Mornings are beautiful. I can turn my car's A/C off until I hit the choked freeway, where exhaust forces me to close my windows and regretfully turn the A/C on.

This morning, there's a nice stiff breeze out of the east, and I'm going to do a couple of things here at work and escape. Being inside on days like this is sacriligeous. I'm going for a nice long hike in a nearby park.

~~

Since SW has dropped off the face of the earth, I went and contacted the coordinator above her. I only required a yes or no answer. Instead, she essentially said that she was forwarding my email to SW. That really pissed me off. JUST ANSWER THE EFFING QUESTION!!!

~~

This afternoon is the meeting with Boss's pal. I'll let you know how that goes.

~~

Other than that, nothing new. Just that long, laborious, awful wait.

Have a great weekend!

Monday Meh

My day started with a horrific drive into work. I guess that’s payback for a great Sunday where 1) the stupid, overrated Cardinals lost and 2) my Cowboys won - not a pretty win, but a win. They'd better tighten up their playing for the Giants next week. Still very happy about both of those developments.

I make details of my laborious drive into work my status in FB and I get the comment, "Why don't you take the light rail?" Oh, let's not even go there. The light rail is a complete joke. Do not start my Monday off with a discussion about Phoenix's stupid, half-assed light rail.

Regarding the email exchange, thank you for your responses. I have allowed that correspondence to die. If this person resurfaces, I’ll give them the information I found and tell them to go fly a kite. This is hard enough without sh*tdisturbers, as many of you know.

I have only gotten one reply to my letters to my local politicians. Typical.

Half the attorneys I sent letters to haven’t responded. No surprise there, either.

Past that, not much else to report. We have a meeting with an attorney on Friday – Boss’ pal – and after reading Achievement Lawyer’s letter with the $285 consult fee (to which Boss commented, “well, she’s one of the adoption bigshots in the state. No surprise.”), Pal’s paltry $150 fee is nothing. I’m still holding off on calling her office.

I’m getting ready to send the business cards to certain places and to our pastor.

Guess I’d better get to work. Have a great and safe week, everyone.

Screening: First Attempt

At the beginning of this week, I got my second email contact, this time off of one of the free parent profile sites. Unlike the first contact (see a previous post) where I had the gut feeling that the storyline was off, I was curious but cautious. I replied with something to the effect that 'since you know about us, tell us a little bit about you.' I didn't get a reply for awhile. I wrote it off.

When the reply did come two and a half days later (three by the time I logged in), that's when it started to bother me. Flawed grammar, atrocious punctuation - that's not what bothered me. I know that not everyone can be a grammarian/writer/English major/etc, so I discounted that. No... there was something about the attempt to evoke pity that's a little over the top, references to herself that are a little off, and this weird single-mindedness about placing the child with us and nobody else that made me very wary. The verbiage and syntax was much like the spam emails we all get. It seems to me that the aim is to pull someone who is ignorant of the ways of adoption, and/or perhaps to sucker someone whose desperation is compromising their judgment.

Of course, when one is doing one’s first attempt at screening contacts, being wary is a fine attribute.

Then, late last night, I Googled the email address and got a curious hit. On one hand, it’s possible that it’s a legitimate situation, but on the other, it was a really really weird hit... let’s just say it puts this contact somewhere in the Middle East. It also made me think that her name is not as she stated. It also put into my mind that this is a chain-yank.

So I’m torn between calling this person out and letting the exchange die. Whaddya think?

Thoughts on Adoptive Breastfeeding from a Complete N00B

Before I launch into my ramblings, though, please know that I am aware of the manifold benefits, from nutritional to bonding and beyond, of breastfeeding an infant. I’m not questioning any one person’s judgment. Please understand that. What follows is more of a querulous verbal vomiting from a non-physician, non-scientist, and a complete ignoramus.

Also please understand that I know that there are protocols where one does not take any medications. I have read that one doesn’t even need to take drugs to set things in motion... so why would anyone who knows this take a dozen pills a day to induce breastmilk? Let’s move away from this a moment and look at what the majority of the folks’ I’ve followed are doing.

Over the last couple of years, I have read several potential adoptive parents’ blog entries that talk about inducing lactation to breastfeed an adopted child, and have also been reading articles about it as well.

Generally, for a woman to breastfeed an adopted child, a doctor prescribes a pharmacy full of chemicals and other things that trick her hormones into thinking she needs to produce milk.

Digest that statement (no pun intended) – about taking those powerful drugs/synthetic hormones – and add this to it: everyone knows that whatever a lactating woman ingests, it winds up in her breastmilk.

Has anyone ever wondered what the effects of these drugs in the breastmilk will be on a child? I’m just asking aloud. That question popped in my mind when I read about Erica starting her protocols, as well as some other bloggers’.

The blogs I’ve read that have started the process state that their protocol started with a drug regimen. One article I read gives the birth control pill ("BCP") combined with Domperidol, with stimulation from a breast pump.

Think about that for a minute. Seriously.

BCPs contain powerful synthetic chemicals that mimic hormones, which are (of course) designed to mess with your reproductive system. Now that people want to know more of what they’re putting in their bodies, women are starting to wonder what is really in BCPs as well. I suspect none of us really want to know – if they did, they’d never go on it. Back on topic, though, and think about this: these synthetic hormones and whatever else is in them will wind up in your breastmilk.

Let’s look at Domperidone (aka Motilium, Motillium, Motinorm and Costi), the second part of this simpler protocol. Domperidone is a dopamine inhibitor, primarily used for an anti-emetic (keeps one from puking) for those with gastrointestinal issues. Its role in breastmilk stimulation is to limit dopamine so that the hormone prolactin can be released, thereby telling the body to produce breastmilk. Medicinenet.com lists the side effects as “Headache, dizziness, dry mouth, nervousness, flushing, or irritability may occur the first several days as your body adjusts to the medication. Trouble sleeping, stomach cramps, hot flashes and leg cramps have also been reported... Notify your doctor immediately if you develop: chest pain, slow/fast/irregular heartbeat, swelling of the feet or ankles, difficulty urinating, swelling of the breasts or discharge from the nipple in men or women, menstrual changes, sexual difficulties. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor or pharmacist.” So, yeah, there are other side effects NOT SPECIFICALLY LISTED that you should go see a doctor for. Scary.

Anytime there are unlisted but potentially harmful insinuated on a label or on a site like that, my antennae twitch like mad. But what really bothers me is “Because this medication enhances movement in the digestive tract, it may affect the absorption and action of other medications.” So that means ANYTHING you ingest while using this protocol will possibly be amplified, like if you take any medication for a chronic problem, or even aspirin. Yikes!

I’m going to let y’all deduct and research the rest. I only had the barest trace of the desire to do breast feeding, but now there’s no way.

Remember, my intent is not to criticize or scare the crap out of anyone. I just can’t help but wonder if all these willingly ingested chemicals have anything to do with the soaring rate of autism and other health and developmental problems.