Home Study, Part Two - The Flash

We went to pick up our tax returns at noon. Taxes are what taxes are, and there were no surprises (ouchie!!!).

The best thing to come out of it was that the accountant was an adoptive mother whose daughter was placed with them back in December. We had a nice discussion, and I asked if it were open, closed, or somewhere in between.

It's "semi-open"... but it's not the best of situations. The BM recently called to say that after an altercation, several family members landed in jail, and one of them was the one who paid the rent. The accountant said that it was an exercise in setting boundaries, and I could see DH blink. Yeah, it's going to be interesting.

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At three, SW was wonderfully punctual once more. We chatted over lemonade and Mexican wedding cookies.

In less than an hour, we completed our second home study.

"You have homework for me?" And so I handed her our questionnaires. She uses them to fill "holes" in her reports, so she didn't read them there. I asked about the application, and she said it was already sent off on the 16th, and SW said that we should be seeing a minute entry here shortly that it had been received. She confirmed that the fingerprints came back, and that the CPS background check came back also.

As for what comes next, SW said that she'll do her post-submission report, send it into the Court, and then it's a waiting game, as the Court has 60 to 90 days to grant the petition. Once the petition has been granted, we will receive a letter from the agency that we are now certified and that a child may be legally placed in our family.

We talked about the intended audience for the birthmother letter. One thing she was vehement about: to not use a wedding picture in the letter. Why? Because in her experience, the implications of a wedding picture can and does offend the BM. It's not an outright thing, but it's taken as passing judgment on the BM's life and their actions. I thought that it was interesting.

I brought up what Clio said, in terms of the common misperception of the vast majority of birthmothers being very young. Not so, SW said. She said that many times it's the college student with a particular goal they're going to meet, come hell or high water, or the young, twenty-something professional who doesn't want a barrier to the upper echelon in the field... and a recent one, she said, was a married couple who already had grandchildren who didn't want to raise another child (as shocking as that might be--really? Wow), so they gave it up for adoption. I thought that was wild, but who knows what lurks in another's heart?

She also touched upon the sad fact that when it is a young, J.uno-like BM, the pressure to keep the child or abort it is unrelenting and the option of adoption is not usually communicated (my boss would call it the "keep it or kill it attitude"). It's initially the parents applying the pressure, but it's also the friends who have babies, which is now the norm and not shocking at all. SW commented that a year later, when the novelty has worn off and the care of the child is a drudgery and keeping them from their social activities, that they become resentful, and usually dump the child on the grandparents who insisted that the teen keep the child... who in their turn become resentful that they now have to raise the child they insisted their daughter keep. However, it's the sad fact that many of the young girls are not aware that it is a legitimate option for their child. Social workers at the hospital are not permitted to broach the subject, and neither are hospital workers.

We touched upon our selection of a guardian, about the level of openness we were comfortable with (and talked about the good and the bad, the triumphs and the pitfalls, and even fielded the question about what we would do if, when the child was 11-ish, and after a long period of time where the BM had disappeared but suddently resurfaced, what would we do?) about good sources for networking, about what point would we tell the child he/she is adopted, and she gave us some locally-based organizations that help place for adoption.

In any case, everything is moving along as it should. Praise God!

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I was reading BB's post from 3/25 on an adoption topic that had crossed my path earlier this week (re the birthmother's perspective). But she said something so poignant, and so in alignment with what I thought in my heart and mind, that I wanted to quote a section of it here:

What really bothers me about all this stuff is that there really isn’t anything I can do about any of the pain. I can choose my agency carefully (and finally be happy with that choice for all the right reasons). I can and will have an open adoption. I can and will build the best relationship I can with my child’s birth family. I can and will make sure they get counseling. I can and will make sure it is ethical. I can and will be constantly open and forthcoming with my child about their story. I can and will be as open-minded as I can about everything adoption. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be pain and regret and sadness. And that sucks!

And yes, it does suck. And no, Bri, you don't think too much! I'm glad you posted on this. I'm glad that I'm not alone. **HUGS**

A post on this exact topic was percolating in my brain, but she beat me to it, touching upon so many of the fears and concerns rolling around in my head after reading a similar post/article elsewhere that it was awesome to see that I wasn't crazy.

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So now I get to start playing around with the BM letter. Thank you to all the friends in adoption blogland who have given me the heads-up - I'm not starting this part of the journey blind. Thank you so much.

Stay tuned.