What a Pain in the Tushie

I'm picking away at our profile. What to say, what to keep out? What is too much or not enough? how many pics can I add until it looks overdone? The writing came easy. It's the format and graphics.

One thing Bev said was that there's no "wrong" way to do it. You can pluck ideas from others, but don't completely copy someone's work. I didn't doubt that people do that - hell, my little brother plagiarized my English 102 paper, on a topic that he didn't know squat about. Anything'a possible.

I loves me some Art Explosion Scrapbook Factory Deluxe 4.0. You can either use their templates or create your own layout. I don't want frilly - I don't want overdone - but I want some color. It's relatively minimal. I'm not twelve, and more than likely neither will my readers be twelve.

One thing I will not do: write a novel. I've read of folks doing 15, 21, 25, 28, even 30 pages. Seriously? I'm thinking 8 pages, tops. Cover page, two pages about us, two pages of pics, two pages of miscellaneous things outside of our life, then the back page. It's sort of like writing a research paper - target your audience, and then work on not boring that audience to death.

I'd like to have this out before DH and I head to Washington, DC next week. We'll see. I'd really like to get the ball rolling.

Paper Pregnant and Slogging Through a Seminar

Okay… now that I’m over my semi-stunned state of ecstasy… I’m so freaking excited now. It’s REAL. I know there will be ups and downs and everything in between, but it’s real. It’s really going to happen at some point and hopefully within the next eighteen months (which is how long the certification lasts in Arizona).

~~

The hurdle I have to get over is DH’s insistence that the child be three or four years of age. While not impossible via private adoption, there’s a better chance to adopt a child that age through the State. I don’t know if y’all are aware, but our foster system in Arizona is a disaster and CPS (Child Protective Services) does not have a shining track record. I don’t think that there’s a month that doesn’t go by where there is a child that has been given back time and again to abusive (drugs/physical/emotional/sexual/etc) parents and winds up dead, and the story winds up in the paper. And these are just the ones that make the local print media. And the chances of a couple taking in a State child will more than likely have to hand the child back to the very parents whose actions caused CPS to get involved in the first place. And,when not awarded to the potential, privately certified parents, they are shipped to those certified through a foster-to-adopt program – privately certified people/couples generally get the shaft in these situations.

I think I feel kinda strongly on that.

Ya think?

~~

So I have to get to the root of this issue. As I’ve stated before, I think DH is terrified of newborns/infants, terrified of the disruption they bring (i.e. sleepless nights), and terrified of them in general because he’s never handled one, never really dealt with one except in limited scenarios, and so he doesn’t want to deal with them.

My position is this: let's list our age range from birth to three years of age, then let God take care of the rest. He has taken care of us so far – OMG, the Lord really has, it’s amazing – and allow Him to bring to us the child we are meant to have.

~~

Tonight’s seminar/class/whatever you want to call it had so much potential. I liked Beverly on first sight. She’s just one of those people whose first impression is of a person who is happy with their lot in life, happy with their job, and happy to help people in a practical way through the wringer of adoption. My gripes with the seminar have nothing whatsoever to do with her or her topics.

DH met me at the Agency. It started well, with six people: DH and me, another married couple (we’ll call them “A”, the husband, and “B” the wife) about our age, and a married woman (I’ll just refer to her as “W”) with her best friend (“F”; W’s husband couldn’t get away from work). The first third covered things we’d already gone through as we are already certified. I sort of tuned out and chimed in when Beverly asked me to.

Unfortunately, “A” stopped the flow of topics within the first ten minutes, and fixated on the statute-mandated pool fence, boring the shit out of DH; DH promptly tuned out for the rest of the seminar. A shame, but he has no patience for people who ask the same question in seventeen different forms in the span of fifteen minutes. “A” stalled the flow several times through the 90 minutes, and it got very annoying. He has the right to ask, but come on already. “B” looked intently at her notebook by the third time. She knew.

“W” pretty much kept her mouth shut throughout the whole thing. It was “F” who asked all sorts of really good questions. It made me wonder who was the one adopting. It was kind of strange.

The last, say, thirty minutes were full of good information. We talked about adopting through the State (shudder), potential expenses (yikes), networking (emails are amazingly effective), and the birthmother letter (with copies of examples of successful profiles given to us in a packet).

We also talked about the national “agencies” which are really “facilitators” – the ones that list children, usually but not always minorities, with this health problem and that prenatal drug addiction, demanding a $25-50K agency fee, plus expenses, plus your travel expenses, plus legal fees, plus whatever – they’re generally baby mills for the desperate. I saw their sites on the first search I ever did and was wary of them from the first site I looked at. I think this may be a topic in itself on another day.

The important thing was that I did get my pressing questions regarding adopting through the state, interstate adoption, and a couple of other topics answered.

It was overall a decent 90 minutes, but disappointing in its way. Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

~~

And you're not going to believe this.

"Twenty Questions" is on the reading list she gave us. No! Nooooooo! Nooo!

Now I really have to smarten up my draft on that and post it. That book should NEVER be on any agency's reading list.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Brain v. Heart

It’s interesting to know something intellectually, but another to convince the heart of the thing.

My brain knows that the court has until late September to fire off the yea or nay (unlike Mrs. H., we didn’t get a draft or final of the SW’s report to the court – SW just said everything’s fine, nothing to worry about. Fat lot of help), and I know it. I know it!

So why, upon my return from Ireland, did I maniacally rip through the mail pile looking for the envelope from the agency with the good news?

My brain knows that an adoption, after certification, may take months or (God forbid) a year or two.

So why, when I passed by the baby department at Macy’s on the way to another department, smile to myself in anticipation as I saw all the little tiny clothes?

My brain still knows that a baby won’t be dropped in our laps in the next month.

So why do I pore over nursery ideas and color schemes, and am finding myself wanting to push DH out of that little room sooner rather than later? It's silly because it's still so early.

...and so on. I know what it is, intellectually: it’s FINALLY that silver lining that my poor battered heart has been looking for all these years, with all that heartache. It's the long-buried optimism daring to peek through my habitual cynicism.

It's a nice feeling. :)

FREE Phoenix Area Adoption Seminar - 630P TONIGHT

Reading the Repulsive today, there was actually an item of interest. Quoted verbatim:

Give Back
ADOPTION SEMINAR

If you've considered taking in a foster child or adopting a child but want to learn more, there's a free workshop for you. Christ's Church of the Valley offers an orientation that provides information to households interested in adoption or in welcoming a foster child into their family.
Learn what you can do to offer one of the more than 10,000 children in the state's foster care system a loving, supportive environment. Meet at 6:30 p.m. today in the Children's Building, 7007 W. Happy Valley Road, Peoria.
Details: 623-376-2444, ccvonline.com

I'm going to try and make it. I need to expand my knowledge and contact base. But damn... Peoria isn't exactly close for me. Oh well. :)

Home Study, Part One

As I previously wrote, I took a half-day off to get everything ready (for the second one, I’m just taking the day off... not fighting it). Just as I had figured, Boss waltzes in 10 minutes before I was due to leave, so I just left right then and there. He has a bad habit of trying to cram things in just before I’m due to leave, and I was already a nervous wreck and I was SO not in the mood for this crap.

Driving home on the freeway, I was in a quandary: I needed to eat something for lunch, but I didn’t want to burn too much time, and I didn’t want to stink up the house with something like pizza or Mongolian stir fry. I settled for a small salad from the salad bar at the store with no dressing (as is my habit), picked up some crackers, cheese and fruit, and went home. Crammed the salad in my mouth and went to finish up the house.

I know that unless it’s a normal state (you know those OCD types!), the house does not need to be picture perfect. However, there was still laundry thrown every which way on the cedar chest, laundry on the couch, and the bed needed to be made, etc. I worked a minor miracle in the bedroom, although I never did get the laundry truly put away. I just folded it neatly in the basket and set it on the floor on the far side of the cedar chest.

Washed dishes, cut the melons (the cantaloupe and yes, watermelon, were to die for and I had to resist nibbling. Made iced tea (I had asked SW her preferences). Et cetera – you get the idea.

When I finally sat down at 2:55, I was tired!!

~~

Of course, the doorbell rang at precisely 3:01. Very punctual. And meeting SW was almost like old home week – in the past three years we’ve worked with one another on various matters via the law office I work for so it was not like meeting a complete stranger. We chatted about this and that... and when it became apparent that DH was (unsurprisingly, because of distance and traffic) late, she started the questions with me.

(I’m just listing the general lines of questioning. It wasn’t as machine-gun as it appears. It was very relaxed, very cordial, lots of open discussion.)

Have I ever been arrested? Been reported to CPS? First job? Where was I born? How long lived in my hometown? How is my relationship with my parents? I had mentioned that my mother had passed, so we discussed her cause of death and the reasons for it. How many siblings? Where was I in the pecking order? Schools I attended? Activities and sports involved in? What college(s) have I attended? Places I’ve lived?

Then we started on my work history? We were at about the middle of my life’s work history when DH came in. So she picked up with him, same lead questions that she started with me.

Then it was our marriage: When? Where? Any other marriages? How did you meet? How long have you been together? What attracted you to your spouse? Did you live together before marriage? How did that come about? Marital problems? Ever been to counseling? Methods of conflict resolution? Things you argue about? (funny question, because we don’t argue, not really).

Then it came to the nitty gritty: Why are we adopting? How many children would you like to adopt? Would you consider siblings? Color/health/background of child would we willing to adopt? Parenting philosophies? Discipline methods? Child care options? Have insurance? How much, what kind, with what company? Do we have a will? Who would be the guardian? Religion? Schools? Alternative day care? If one spouse dies, does the other have means of supporting the family? What do you think will change as parents, what will not change? Impact on lifestyle?
SW strongly advocated attending adoption seminars and parenting classes, but reiterated that they are not mandatory.

She reviewed the financial worksheet, filled some holes, and then gave us three things we needed to do for the 2nd home study: a) discuss and agree on form of openness we’re comfortable with, b) make a decision as to who the guardian of any children should be, and c) completing the autobiography questionnaire she gave us (which I’ll cover in another post here shortly).

Finally, she toured the house. Downstairs, up the stairs and into each room, discussed what room a child/children would be in, back down. She loved how big our yard was for an early 1990s house. She admired its roominess and said aloud that there was plenty of room. We said that we bought this particular house so that when the children came, we wouldn’t have to move. Of course, we thought we’d had kids long before this, but oh well. She smiled.

This phase lasted about an hour and forty five minutes. We scheduled the second home visit for the 27th. In the meantime, she would send out the questionnaires to the references, make sure our fingerprints came back, and submit the application to the Court this coming week.

After she left, I blinked in stupefaction for a moment. It’s real. It’s really happening! It’s on its way!

Wow!

~~

Afterwards, DH and I went to Streets of New York to drink a pitcher of Killians (where else can you find $10/pitchers of decent beer these days???) and shared a pizza to not only deflate from the interview, but to come down from a very busy week.

One down, one to go.

~~

Saturday morning, I sent out a heads-up email to the five people on my reference list:

Good morning, everyone:

[DH] and I had our first home study visit yesterday afternoon, and at the end of it (which went very well!), our case worker from the adoption agency said that she would be sending out the reference checks/questionnaires this coming week.

I'm just sending out a heads up so you know what it is when it comes to you.

The case worker will be sending our application to Court also this coming week, so the ball is now officially rolling.

Let me know if you have any questions! Thanks so very much to all of you for your help.

Love,
[Allie] (and [DH], of course!) =D

I got some a couple of pretty neat replies, the first from my dear friends in CA:

Congrats from all of us. Let us know what happens. We're excited for you.

And from my MIL:

What great news! Keep us informed as the process enfolds [sic]. Good luck and all our love!

~~

Next Up: the autobiographical questionnaire homework.