Free Falling... Who Will Catch Me?

I finally sent the bulk email with our profile attached to probably thirty people, from folks from the old neighborhood to newer friends. I'm not sure why I was filled with... oh, I don't know... what, fear? Nerves? Trepidation? Insecurity? Anxiety? Jitters? Fretting? Maybe it's a little bit of all of those. Perhaps it's also a little bit of that thing called fear of the unknown. It's that leap out of the plane, hoping that after the first bit of free falling the parachute will open as it should.

I say it that way because after I said a little prayer then pressed send, the song "Free Falling" ran through my head.

I wanna free fall out into nothin'

Gonna leave this world for awhile

And I'm free, free fallin'*

Yeah... "free fall out into nothin" describes the nervous rush I felt after Gmail told me that my email had been sent successfully.

Maybe it's a little bit of intimidation because of the fact that complete strangers will read the profile, read our nascent website (which is NOT a mirror of the profile), and that I'll get an email that starts, "My name is ____. I read your profile, and I really liked it," followed by a story about how this writer is pregnant or had a baby already and cannot raise the child.

And then it will be 'OMG' time.

Silly, I know. And there are many of you who have already been there, that terrifying first contact. I know that trembling craziness passes. I know it does, especially once it gets past the tentative feelers and shyness when meeting someone new whose face I will have yet to see - for of course, they have seen mine. I wont' have seen theirs yet.

Add to this that I sent out six letters to lawyers yesterday. I expect feedback probably around Wednesday with the information I seek.

I also need to call the first lawyer (Boss's pal) and set up a meeting.

I still need to print out and assemble more profiles. I'll do that tomorrow.

I have also gotten the first two pages of our website up. If you want to look, drop me a note by email over there in the right column. You have to be someone I know via this blog, who also has a blog I have linked to or read or follow at this time. Sorry. I have to retain some privacy here at this locale. ;)

It's scary, knowing that we're out there, that the ball is rolling, and that the ball you've set in motion may wind you up in places you never dreamed of.

Yikes!

_________________________________________________

*Thanks, Tom Petty, who happens to be one of DH's favorite artists

Sleepless in... Insomnia Land

Sometimes I hate my husband: he's one of those people who can drop right off to sleep. I have NEVER been one of those people. He'll take fifteen minutes, but I can take anywhere from 30 min to an hour. By the time I do fall asleep, he's got his physiological chainsaw going full blast. It kills me.

But that was not the problem last night. Hasn't been for awhile.

No... it's my latest issues. Last night, I tried to sleep, but my whirling brain just would not stop. Busy Brain Syndrome is my other plague when I try to sleep, and you can guess what my brain cells were burning over. Changed beds because I was restless - nope, no good. Went down and read (works about 90% of the time), tried again. Nope. By 11:30 I said "Screw it," padded to my home office, turned on the light and the compy.

To make the drudgery of sleeplessness useful, I prepared the letters for the attorneys I've been referred to. They were essentially form letters. I'm sending them so that I get an idea of what some of them charge to "hold" my profile before I actually send them (also to find out how many copies they want). If I'm spending $.44 to inquire, they can reciprocate that $.44 to tell me how much that privilege is going to cost.

Speaking of cost, I casually mentioned to Boss about his attorney buddy's little charges to display our profile. He was surprised, and said, "Are you sure that it wasn't just a form letter sent out by his paralegal? ... I'd like to see that letter, would you bring it in?" I have it with me this morning, right now, here at work.

(Oh, hush. Like you've never frittered away time when you're half-asleep at work.)

So, in my suffering without sleep last night/this morning - I didn't call it until 2:30am, ugh - I went back and read that sucker. If it's a letter signed off by the boss, generally the initials at the bottom will read something like "AAA/bbb," like in my office the AAA would be the attorney, bbb would be my initials. It's more for figuring out who did what letter, who typed it, who signed off on it.

Lo and behold, I look at the bottom of the second page, and it says, "sa/enc" - not the initials of the attorney anywhere to be found. Yup, Boss was right. A form letter. And it wasn't even the guy's assistant's initials, it was some other minion. Ayup.

In my restlessness, I also started a spreadsheet. One tab is for tracking correspondence - if you're going this route, I suggest something like this. I already have eight attorneys on the list and I need to keep them straight.

Another tab is expenses - this is the biggie, for obvious reasons. App fee, home study, postage, copy costs for your profile, costs of how much it costs to send five of those suckers.

There was a third that I'm having problems recalling. Brain is mushy.

~~

A good part of my sleeplessness was because DH flipped out earlier this week (he does this on an irregular basis, I noticed, as I looked back on other posts and my journal). I have been on him gently to do his research, to make sure he's as informed as I am - but it's this issue, work this, tired that. I don't want to nag and make it unpleasant. So, when I got Boss's buddy's letter and went through the questions with him, he got a little rattled. Again.

As an aside, in Arizona, there's a statute that says that adoptive parents can pay up to $1,000 of general itemized expenses, and after that they must be court approved. This is why AZ is considered an adoption-friendly state, since there are statutes in place to protect adoptive parents. That said, it is within the realm of reasonableness for the attorney to request that other expenses be paid through the court. It is very common. It still protects the PAPs because the Court must approve anything past that one-grand threshold.

So when I got to the question of "If a birthmother requested additional living expenses beyond the $1,000.00 statutory limit, would you be agreeable for us to petition the Court for approval of these additional expenses?" DH's eyes kind of caught on fire.

I have warned him about this, tried to get it through his head, and told him he needs to read up and then talk to me.

Now, to be fair, DH works in a high pressure corporate job. He gets paid well to take the sh*t he does, and I know that he's overwhelmed by it sometimes. I know this is why he's left the adoption stuff to me, which is fine - I expect that anyway. But he cannot stick his head in the sand and claim ignorance when I've told him time and again a, b, c, or nudged him to do his research.

His response to the above question was essentially Hell No, along with various and sundry other uncharacteristic remarks from my usually gentle and generous hearted husband. A couple of days after this exchange, I realize that it was the pressure of his day, but his remarks cut to the core nonetheless.

This morning, I'm going to opt for the calm sea. I'm not going to let myself get ruffled over his reactions that spawn from his mental exhaustion. I decided that the answer on the questionnaire will be something to the effect of 'yes, within certain limits and only with the consent of both of us.'

It will be fine. He'll do his research, I'll get him to talk to Boss so this thing can be explained to him mano a mano. All will be well. I think, again, it's that fear of this unknown lake into which we're jumping that's contributing to this.

50th Blog Post – The Latest Not-News

Well, I’ll be darned. I’ve survived 50 posts and well over 2000 hits.

Wellll, isn’t THAT special?!

Thanks to all who drop by and say hi and leave a comment, and thank you to my lurkers from far and wide – and from some really surprising places in the world! Thank you so very much.

~~

Yesterday, on a lark, I contacted an attorney my office has worked with on an adoption case, asking if I could forward her a copy of our profile. Her response? “I would be more than happy to hold your profile to show to birth mothers when the opportunity presents itself. Please do forward 5 copies to my [city in the valley] office address. As far as other private adoption attorneys in … County, I would suggest contacting [she listed two attorneys]. In … County [further north in the state], I would suggest contacting [a third attorney]… Keep in mind that these attorneys most likely charge a nominal fee to hold a profile. I do not. So do not be taken by surprise.” I thought that was supremely awesome - both the "yes" and the advice. It really made my day yesterday.

Earlier today in our Gmail account dedicated to the adoption roller coaster, I received a response from Catholic Charities after I sent an inquiry. They relayed the date for an information session that they have people/couples go to prior to acceptance in their Child Placement Program. I can deal with that.

Then, in the mail not thirty minutes ago, I got a response from Boss’s friend (he referred me). I knew that some attorneys charge to hold a profile to be shown, but this pal of my boss has a requirement of meeting with him for a flat $100 fee. On one hand, I’m miffed – adoption’s expensive enough. On the other hand, it’s a weeding process if you think about it. If you’re serious, you’ll set it up, and that way the attorney in question can get a feel for the persons adopting, and probably be able to match better once the attorney and the adoptive folks have met. The best thing is that Boss’s friend also sent a list of other adoption attorneys to send profiles to, one of which was on the first attorney’s list as well.

Besides, really, what's $150 on this road?

~~

I dropped the five copies of the profile in the mail to the first attorney just before I went by the mailbox on the way home.

When I was stuffing the envelope, I realized that I’d have to get more profiles printed. Oh, darn, what a problem to have. =D

If Blogger had a status field for each post, I would feel “accomplished.”

~~

Unlike several here in our “adoption blog family” who are going through agencies, we’re heading to the private adoption route, which means we have to do our own networking. That’s okay, and I realize that it goes with the territory. I’m just very wary of agencies that want a big chunk of change at the beginning and seem to slowly drain the PAPs dry afterwards. I’d rather that the money go directly to the hands it’s supposed to without it being siphoned off somewhere.

(I warned you about my cynicism - no comments from the peanut gallery!) =D

Now, before you get your britches bunched up, I know that agencies do the networking for you. I know that there are valid expenses that the money one pays meets. I understand that the fees cover all sorts of services. Trust me – I understand.

Yet the decision to go this route is primarily financial. I hear of a lot of money changing hands when folks go through agencies. Friends of Boss tell of exorbitant prices they’ve either been quoted or have been paid, and Boss drops his jaw in horror. He’s of the opinion that adoption shouldn’t ever be so expensive.

It’s not personal interest on Boss’s part that causes me to take his advice – after all, he’s offered his legal services for the adoption to us for no charge – he is part of a grassroots anti-abortion organization and advocates adoption over abortion. In fact, he said to me today, “There are two million loving people certified and ready to adopt in this country. If there are a million abortions a year that instead are carried to full term and adopted out to these loving homes, why would we have abortion in the first place?”

This isn’t a new thought/saying/concept, of course, but it is one very topical to us here in our adoption blogosphere. If you validate that stance, though, then it stands to reason that it would be to everyone’s advantage that the next step is that adoption needs to be made affordable. The money that will eventually go out for our own adoption gives DH mental hives. One cannot get away from court costs, attorneys fees, counseling expenses, medical costs, etc.

If you cruise the internet with some of these online agencies (and in one case takes the form of a blog) that list available children, I have seen fees anywhere from $20K to $50K, and, on one site that sticks in my mind, nearly all of them had some sort of drug and/or alcohol exposure, and in many cases extreme exposure. These insane prices, if out of your state, do not include ICPC processing (which of course costs money somewhere), your travel, your hotel, the attorneys fees, and so on. Really? $50k fee to adopt a child in the US? No. This crap should be illegal.

Make it affordable, people! You take away the profit, you take away the temptation for these extremely unethical prices and likely scams.

Just sayin'...

~~

In any case, I have some more networking to do. I’m just getting started on the attorneys. I still have to get the business cards made up to plaster everywhere. I’m still hanging on to the stupid email because (as I said) something in the composition isn’t right.

I have all these avenues waiting for me, so I’d better hop to it!

For Those Who Are Waiting

Wendy at Our TX Adoption posted one of the most beautiful things I've read in a long time. Go on, take a look.

~~

It all resonated, even now, pre-placement, "You'll never lose that secret hope every time you ovulate. You'll never not get a bit sad when you start your period. You'll never stop secretly wondering what your biological baby would have looked like" really resonated. I do that now, pre-placement, knowing full well I'll never see that pesky little HPT with that particular brand good news.

And it's okay, it really is.

But the overarching idea of the post - be calm, it will happen, and will be something that's meant to be, and this you will know in your bones - is beautiful. The advice to really enjoy life pre-baby to the fullest is wise. That you will be resourceful, that your future will be fine, is reassurance we all need. Your career may not be what you originally conceptualized, but it will be where you're supposed to be.

Thanks, Wendy.

More Money Savvy Ideas

Read this article DH sent me from The Consumerist. The article is good, but the comments have some really, really good ideas on how to save money when buying things for baby.

Oh, yeah - he really did send me that. I was tickled to death that he was looking out for articles and ideas.

He rocks. :)

Before I pick up where I left off the other day – this is the post I said I’d do as a tangent off of PwPD – I have my PDF profile attached to an email and ready to send. And, for some reason, I hesitate. I don’t know. I am going to do it, but the text in the email isn’t quite right yet. It needs to be right, especially if it will be forwarded to people I have never met.

~~

Agency sent us our home study. Lots of typos in there. They listed my doctor’s first name as Russell and not Robert. WTH? Whatever. The Court okayed it. We’re good.

~~

M’s post (PwPD, 8/17/09 ) gave me some thoughts to chew on. Her ILs bugged her about when she was going to get pregnant, but have become oddly silent after M and her husband announced their decision to adopt. I know the feeling, I really do.

After digesting the content of her post, my mind did that weird leap that sometimes startles even me, so here’s a thought that cruised through my mind as I thought about her post.

For a lot of people:

Pregnancy = comfortable, knowledgeable, visible, tangible, concrete
Adoption = uncomfortable, ignorant, invisible, intangible, abstract

Think about it.

1. Comfort/Discomfort. When someone announces they’re pregnant, it engenders this… this… I don’t know. Pretty much everyone’s comfortable with it. With adoption, it’s the opposite: somehow it’s unnatural to many people’s minds, and nobody knows what to expect, what to do, or what to say. The interesting thing I’ve noticed is that my friends and acquaintances my age (I’m avoiding family as part of the topic at the moment) have no problem with adoption; perhaps it’s generational? Or do I just have an abnormal group to run with that they’ve been nothing but supportive and excited? Hmmm.
2. Knowledgeable/Ignorant. The vast majority of people past the age of, say, four or five get pregnancy. Even a small child can tell you at a high level how it happened, how long it’s going to take and what happens in the meantime, when the kid will generally be here, how the kid gets here, and so on. Adoption? Adoption has this tendency to bring even brilliant people to their knees with what they don’t know about adoption. It’s like when you’ve told people you’re adopting, after their initial reaction, what’s their first question? The one I’ve been getting a lot is this concept that we can order a child, pick and choose, like shopping for an accessory. I’ve learned quickly not to get offended. You know what I’m talking about.
3. Visible/Invisible. Physical pregnancy one can see over time; being ‘paper pregnant’ is like being in this vast void. It’s sort of like Voila! One day you have a kid out of the blue sky, no discomfort or labor required. And this is the part that piqued my mind with M’s post – they push for pregnancy because they can see it, but adoption is invisible (and intangible – next up) and I think that makes them, as well as many people, uncomfortable with the process and concept.
4. Tangible/Intangible. Kind of like the previous. Pregnancy dances around the senses – see, hear, touch – where adoption, here again, is invisible and untouchable, and whose emotional satisfaction is rather inexplicable. One can touch pregnant belly; the cool and smooth white sheet with black letters of a court order certifying someone as an adoptive parent isn’t quite as satisfying to those outside the inner circle of the adoption world.
5. Concrete/abstract. Let me put it this way:
   
   Pregnancy : adoption :: HS biology: canonical philosophy
   
   Adoption to some people is lofty, incomprehensible and sometimes worth confused silence and unintended contempt because it’s beyond comprehension, and therefore causes people to react in fear. And I think many people don't deal with the abstract very well. That fear of the unknowns of adoption leads back to ignorance and unwittingly causes people to say and do hurtful things. You know, like saying “But they can take the baby away!” Grrrrr!
   
   But it’s also the fact that the child/ren will not look like anyone, especially if adopting from abroad or doing cross-racial domestic adoptions – that concrete proof that a child somehow belongs in the family – and I wonder if the skeered folk think that this is a bad thing, and therefore think that the adopted child will not belong. It’s a silly notion, but you have to figure it as a possibility.

As an aside, I think that it is an amazingly sad thing that we LITERALLY have all this information at our fingertips at our computers, and have celebrities and high profile people adopting kids right and left, but that there’s still so much ignorance and discomfort in the world about adoption. It just astounds me.

What does this all mean? Short of a well-financed national education campaign with a glossy PR crew, it means a few things.

First, as we in the adoption world already know, we have to educate the people around us. I’ve been tempted to snap at some otherwise super smart people to “do a frikkin’ Google search, fer criminy sake!” But no, that’s not the way we have to go about things, no matter how satisfying snapping at someone is. The most effective way is to genially and persistently revise others’ (usually false) impressions of domestic adoption. The ignorance I’ve encountered is astounding. We have to change that, one friend/family member/acquaintance at a time.

Second, we have to be patient. Patience is not my strong suit, but it means that once those in your circle—those reluctant family and friends who have no idea how to deal with adoption—see what blooms after the child comes home, they’ll see it’s not really so foreign after all.

Most of all, we need to stay positive.

The wait can be and is one of the hardest things about adoption, not just for those expecting but for those around them. When I explained to a dear friend last night that The Call may come tomorrow, next week, next month, six months from now, or next year, she had a hard time absorbing it. That said, I personally have only hit the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the weird and wacky reactions I’ve gotten when I’ve said that we’re adopting.

Emily at Emily the Hopeless has been bombarded by the anti-adoption crowd and had to dive to private blog land; this sort of behavior is completely mind-boggling. Ignorance? Okay, that’s usually not that person’s fault. But to essentially headhunt a blogger because you don't agree with them? Holy cow. That’s so difficult – adoption’s already not the easiest road, and then some of us get that? Unacceptable. But further commentary on that is fodder for another post; I already have a partial draft after running across some awful vitriol elsewhere. My point is that we shouldn’t let these people get any of us down.

Anyway…

The rude things that people unintentionally say are some of the hardest things to take in stride, intentional or not. No matter the basis, for your sake and for the child’s sake, be as positive as possible. Not only will it be easier on you, but the person fishing for a reaction will be taken aback when you don’t nibble on the bait.

There are many of us on this road who got here via heartbreaking circumstances. But despite it all, this is a road for those of us chosen, paved with grace, landscaped with hope, colored by the glorious future.

“And they can’t take that away from me…”

*Astaire Soft Shoe, Off Stage Left*

MKWW: My Name is ______ and I am a ______

Hi, my name is Allie and I am a cynic.

Main Entry: cyn·ic
Pronunciation: \ˈsi-nik\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle French or Latin, Middle French cynique, from Latin cynicus, from Greek kynikos, literally, like a dog, from kyn-, kyōn dog — more at hound
Date: 1542
1 capitalized : an adherent of an ancient Greek school of philosophers who held the view that virtue is the only good and that its essence lies in self-control and independence

2 : a faultfinding captious critic; especially: one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest


Oh yeah, that’s me. Well, most of the time. I naively think that people are inherently good, but I’ve been burned so many times that I just don’t really buy it anymore. What reinforces this is watching Boss wholeheartedly believe that people are good in the course of his work, and he gets burned time and time again. So no, I’m not so Pollyanna anymore.

I have a cynical streak a half-mile wide. Not a mile, not a zillion miles, just a half-mile. I look at it as something that tempers me, and adds to the common sense that just isn’t so common anymore.

I’m such a cynic that the first sentence is partially a lie: you know darn well that it’s a pseudonym for safety purposes. That can’t be a surprise though.

I’m such a cynic that I don’t ever believe anything a politician says.

I’m such a cynic that I don’t think that there’s a political magic wand to fix health care, as some people seem to think there is. Hell, Washington can’t even address the adoption tax credit stuff without obfuscation; what makes people think they can manage health care??

I’m such a cynic that I eschew half of what the adoption books say I should buy off on (and, one of these days, I’ll upload that review of Twenty Things. Really. And you’ll see how cynical I really am!).

I’m such a cynic that once I got a really good picture of assisted reproduction and its astronomical costs (physical and psychological), along with the fact that there’s no guarantee, that I said Hell No.

My bright Pollyanna side is the one that said Yes, Adoption is the Way to Go. Thank God for that!

I’m not sure that being somewhat of a tightwad (see previous post) is cynical. Nah. That’s prudence. Prudence is good.

But I’m not such a cynic that I gave up on the dreams for the future, especially when it comes to building our family.

I’m not such a cynic that a dozen years ago I completely gave up on love as I might have under the circumstances.

I’m actually pretty buoyant – but that cynicism, a healthy cynicism, keeps me grounded.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing. :)